I Never Make BIG Misteaks

Strange title, I know, but true. I do not have many people I would call a "friend". There are many reasons why I have decided to live this way, my wife would tell you it's because I am anti-social, which I am not, and others would say its due to my grumpiness 13 hours out of a day; but they too would be wrong. Granted, I don't like most people, lets face it, the majority of people these days are beguiling and incredibly self-indulgent and too wrapped up in their own awesomeness to bother with someone else having a bad hair day and in need of a friend. Most of the time, these people parade around social networks one moment, posting how great their BFF is and then unfriending them the next with threats to all their "other" friends with status' like; "Doing a little cleaning so if you are seeing this, then YOU made the cut as if anyone really gives a shit about some other asshole placating how this move was "Important to know who my real friends are." NEWSFLASH drama professor, I am one of those people seeing your status and kind of feel cheated, because I have to continually see your bitching and bickering, while the unfriended meanie gets to avoid how often you have sick fucking kids at the doctors office. The only thing I know about you, other than you are a Facebook hag who lives out their fantasies via the Internet, is that you're the last fucking person I want to be around if I wish to avoid new strains of the bird flu.

And one last thing about Facebook, I don't like confirming what I already know, which is most people can not even see what is plainly in front of them yet manage to not only get on Facebook, but Twitter, Google + and a host of other social sights and know more about their features than the programmers, yet are stumped with you start to color code numbers. 

Is it really that difficult people?

An actual person said "I got it. The damn colored numbers made me focus in on them. I read those stupid numbers at least twenty times. Hahaha"  

Hi Moth, flame here. Listen, I've been meaning to talk to you about this attraction to me. 

I digress. 

The trouble with "friends" is that if you are still not with those you made when you were going through puberty then chances are you don't have friends. You have people you met along the road of adulthood, who you felt some amount of camaraderie with, mostly because they too have kids, and you thought you could make some "new" friends. Sounds good, right? My wife met someone sometime ago and they hit it off. I will spare the details in case any of them read this, which I doubt, but lets just say she and I both thought we all were really bonding. Kids birthdays, get-together at each others houses, call the other "aunt" or "uncle" it was all very nice and a welcome retreat from the norm. Problem is, in time, they were less and less inclined to commit to anything. Most recently, I threw out there getting together for breakfast or lunch and the reply felt a bit awkward, a little "whatever, loser", taking a sit on my invite. Maybe I threw them for a loop, because this would be the first time I invited anyone to my house in...a long time. I've always been the one to say to my wife; "I don't think these cats like us, specifically me." And she always rebuts that I always say that and I am just being an asshole. Now, in my defense, I am really nothing like I appear here. If I were to blog about me, A) I would be like all the other bloggers out there who write about themselves. B) the topics would be very boring (like my life) and C) No one would want to read it. Not that any of you actually read this now, but one can dream.  I am shy, so I might come across as a little odd or aggressive, but that's only because I like you.

So, now, we are stuck in this strange holding pattern. Did we (I) do something to offend them and they just want us to go away? If so, why can't they just state this? Or are we just reading too much into a text? That is the trouble with social networking, you can not gauge a person on word alone. You need to hear someone or see how they respond in order to assume you have stepped on their dick by accident. Maybe I should install some kind of audience participation signs into my social life, both in real time and via Facebook. I'll ask something and if it offends, or someone thinks it might offend another, they can post a sign to me, like the Oregon Duck Football team.
     Atypical Scott 
Hey (insert name here), how about dinner?

 ? um, I mean, Can I...eat...your...beaver...on a golf course?

On second thought, that might not work out as well as I had hoped it would. My point is that I too often find myself second guessing if Joe (not "the" Joe, but your average Joe) really meant that stab at me, or if he was just fucking with me like I tend to do with everyone. Sure, I know my keen sense of atypical behavior is second to none and I might have become a bit paranoid, because of this; but my own Frankenstein can sometimes leave me wondering if I saw what I think I just saw or if it was just my own imagination. Could be both.

The two or three friends I do have probably have no clue that I consider them my closest friends and will always be there for each of them, no matter how long its been since I have seen them. I haven't seen one in over a decade, but I still love that motherfucker as though he were my own brother. The other, my Asian friend ala' Colbert, to balance out the EOE of friendship, is also someone I would go to the front lines of war with and will always be there whenever that shithead needs a friend and the other...well, she doesn't think I care too much for her anymore; but, she could not be more wrong. Having her as the mother of my daughter and still sleeping in the same bed, after all these years, although many times unhappily, is the greatest feeling a man can have first thing in the morning. Our 10th anniversary is next Thursday, so all ten of you wish us happy anniversary. It will make the day glow all the brighter.

Getting back to my point again (severe case of ADD today) There are people I would like to befriend, a few of you fellow bloggers would be great fun, I think, it's just easier not to have friends nowadays than to try and make them see what you already know, which is that I am a great person, once I decided you are worth liking. Going back to Facebook, for a moment, you think those people who spend most of their lives thinking about great status updates, also go around with a hand stamp that says LIKE in big red letters, which they immediately stamp on your forehead the moment they decide you worthy of a friend? I'm just wondering how far one can take this dreaded beast of social burden. I am 33 and set in my ways. I don't have time to go around proving that your opinion of me is wrong, unless you are right about it, which is not often, and I find myself wondering what could possibly be wrong with YOU to know ME so damn well? I am good with those people I see from time to time and maybe one day I will see that other fellow, for it is long overdue, but until then I am fine right here inside the blogosphere, where I can be several versions of me, without worrying about a paddy-wagon pulling up into the driveway. I would like to think some of us have a connection that is like friendship, but, something tells me, I am beginning to sound a little stalkerish and lonely, so I will just end this now.

Friends, unless they are lifelong, are just a waste of time better spent writing rants about nothing that some people read and maybe get a laugh or two from. Still, I can't help but wonder...When do we make the mental note that him or her are now consider a true friend and can this "trigger" still pull for people over thirty? Maybe I blog about it one day.